My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
