....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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