if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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