drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize