he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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