no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Randomize
