Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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