a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
