there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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