i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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