I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
