I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
