Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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