just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
