I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
birth control should be required to get into college
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
