he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
