When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
