Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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