Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize