everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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