His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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