When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
