eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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