I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
