I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
