He kissed a someone with a penis
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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