Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
