the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
