so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
