Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
