Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
