there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
