and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize