I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
