So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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