You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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