Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Bring me that man meat
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
