God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize