his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
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