I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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