Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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