I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
that is very illegal...i love you.
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