After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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