Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
