I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
be right there i have to get my cape
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
