I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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