I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
