when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize