The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
