Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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