I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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