getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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