So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
