we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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