she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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