It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
