OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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