Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
