as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
