i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
