cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
